My Anxiety Was So Severe That Being Alone Made Me a Twitching Mess

“I was in a deep meditative state, very close to death,” jokes Robert Sheehan. “It’s called deep sleep.” The actor logs on to our video call in a vest and yoga pants, apologizing for missing his alarm. He’s calling from a sofa in Toronto, where he’s visiting his Canadian partner. He looks exhausted after a week in LA promoting the final series of Netflix’s The Umbrella Academy. But he did actually meditate last night, trying to make his mind more relaxed before sleep. “It’s a good way of shaking off the day,” he says.

Sheehan has penned a book, Playing Dead: How Meditation Brought Me Back to Life. Many know him as Nathan in E4’s Misfits and Darren in the Irish TV drama Love/Hate. Younger audiences recognize him as Klaus from The Umbrella Academy, a character who is witty and flamboyant. This energy seems at odds with the earnest wellness culture. “I don’t want to slag off other meditation writings but a lot of it neglects to include moments of silliness,” he remarks. “I wanted to write a book that’s a good laugh.”

Playing Dead is part memoir, part manifesto, including popular science, poetry, and breathing exercises, interspersed with bizarre humor. Sheehan’s meditation journey involves Tibetan singing bowls, a silent retreat, and a pilgrimage to the Goa Gajah temple in Bali.

In Bali, he attended a sound-healing class that left him sobbing uncontrollably for over 30 minutes after passing what he calls “a huge emotional stool.” He writes humorously about his “resting bitch face” while seeking inner peace. “I don’t think this is just an Irish thing, but being Irish doesn’t hurt,” he says. “You can take the piss and humble yourself when talking about serious things.”

Sheehan began experimenting with meditation in 2017 during a period of personal turmoil. On paper, life was good—traveling the world, booking movies, making money. But he was depressed and lonely, resorting to alcohol, weed, and casual sex. As fame increased, so did his isolation. He doesn’t dwell on specifics but describes how alcohol and weed helped him temporarily.

“Everything was about work; everything was, ‘When I get to this stage, I will be happy.’” While shooting Bad Samaritan with David Tennant in Portland, it dawned on him that he wasn’t happy. He was a ball of anxiety, unable to be alone without becoming a “twitching mess.” During a snowed-in weekend, Sheehan attempted meditation. It allowed him to observe his sadness differently.

He’s all for speaking about the things that weigh on our conscience. Confession, catharsis, therapy—these are all good. “But I had an intuition that what I was going through was universal to human beings,” he says.

Sheehan started acting professionally at 14 with the period film Song for a Raggy Boy. Looking back at the way his mind causes him stress in love or work was interesting. “The real world had a set of rules: don’t show vulnerability, show confidence,” he says. In auditions and on stage, he could explore his emotions. It was a reward system that taught him that his emotions were only valuable as acting currency.

Meditation, he says, took the intensity off his most personal feelings. He learned to treat heavy emotions as changing emotional weather. One of his Umbrella Academy co-stars, Mary J Blige, inspired him. “She’s gained agency over things that could really destroy other people,” he says.

The debut of The Umbrella Academy in 2019 saw 45 million households watch globally. Sheehan remembers fans approaching him with almost religious reverence. It made him feel strange and awkward.

Ambition was once about raising his value in others’ minds, leading to jobs in studio films like Mortal Engines. Now, he finds most joy in theater. The past two years, he’s performed with Frankie Boyle in Endgame and led a theater adaptation of Withnail and I. He has come to terms with pursuing “present ambition versus future ambition.”

Released from a Netflix production with heavy contractual obligations, Sheehan’s current ambitions involve developing projects with friends. He’s keen to put down roots and renovate a house in Cork, Ireland. It’s where he feels most relaxed.

Sheehan wishes to see Ireland reunified. “The relief would be like my sound-healing class in Bali,” he writes. “I think if Ireland became one country again, the spaciousness within people would be massive.”

To be clear, Sheehan does not claim to be an enlightened guru. “I want the tone of the book to confirm that’s not what this is,” he says. He simply shares how meditation has improved his mental health, encouraging others to access it. For Sheehan, meditation doesn’t have to be solemn; it can be light, fun, and creative.

Playing Dead: How Meditation Brought Me Back to Life is out on Thursday, 5 September.

Source: The Guardian