My New Obsession | The New Yorker

My new thing is journaling. It was bullet journals initially, but now it’s transformed into journal bullets, where I make a quick note every time I see the other kind of magazine.

My new thing is pickleball, where you humorously get asked to stop bringing cucumbers dressed in tiny handmade outfits to the local rec center.

My new thing will be gathering wildflowers and advising them to calm down.

My new thing is learning to code and simultaneously learning to resuscitate myself, hoping for applause and perhaps a little tip from emergency-room doctors.

My new thing is teaching people my method for building wealth through passive-aggressive income. It could potentially change the world for the better, but no one seems to care enough to support my dream business with monthly contributions.

My new thing isn’t about extracting the marrow out of life, but perhaps giving it a respectful nibble, if you’re interested in ordering some for the table.

My new thing involves getting a hobbyhorse and transforming it into a career horse by placing a five-dollar bill in its bridle and advising it sternly to grow the rest of its body.

My new thing is educating others on the Cambridge comma. It’s akin to the Oxford comma and might even be the same thing; it’s just that I’m an American, only moderately smart, and quite exhausted. Please, leave me be.

My new thing is embracing my spiritual side and becoming a large—a role where I exclusively communicate with gigantic ghosts.

My new thing is supporting slow fashion by making upside-down clothes for sloths. What are upside-down clothes? This is precisely the type of question sloths wouldn’t ask me.

My new thing is doing everything partly thanks to and partly despite myself.

My new thing is hosting gander-reveal parties, where I invite friends over to watch me dramatically pull back a curtain, revealing a goose standing there, blinking.

My new thing is tracking down the lady who writes reminders like “drink” on cups or “eat” on plates to softly but firmly inform her that we’ve got it from here.

My new thing is cultivating kindness and gentleness, although I haven’t figured out the secret to achieving it yet.

My new thing is Canadian Girl dolls. They closely resemble American Girl dolls, but I’ll let you discover the differences for yourself to be on the safe side.

My new thing is contemplating the agonizing pain of existence and the inevitable reality of death, all while trying to earn a considerable passive income.

My new thing is finishing sourdough. It’s simple—I’m just hungry.