Which Home Alone child star is to blame if Trump gets re-elected?

The assassination attempt on Donald Trump last weekend is a tragedy for many reasons. It’s a tragedy for democracy, for America, and indeed, for the whole world, primarily because it makes Trump’s re-election all the more likely. Moreover, it is a personal tragedy for Trump himself. Regardless of one’s opinion on his politics or personality, he remains a living being capable of suffering.

This past week, my standup special, Basic Lee, was aired on Sky Comedy, much to my own surprise. A part of me wishes I had been the one shot last weekend; the ensuing publicity might have drawn more attention to my work. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to get wounded by a gunman while it’s still available for viewing on the Now streaming service.

The stark reality is that when Joe Biden is the free world’s last line of defense against a potential “Trump MacTatorship™®”, we are already in dire straits. Biden appears unwilling to bow out gracefully for the sake of elevating his popularity. Instead, he seems content to let the world face turmoil while maintaining his candidacy, sitting ever so serenely as the chaos unfolds.

With the odds now favoring Donald Trump’s re-election, the implementation of the puritanical Project 2025 agenda led by Oliver Dowden’s Heritage Foundation acquaintances seems all but certain. This could lead to a Christian fascist America reminiscent of The Handmaid’s Tale. Such an outcome would end not only the shared enlightenment values of the post-WWII western world but also the popular Fifty Shades of Grey erotica series. Add to this Trump’s affinity for fossil fuels, which would expedite environmental degradation, and the future looks bleak, though perhaps his Scottish golf courses will be reclaimed by the rising sea.

American liberals and intellectuals with resources, such as Kacey Musgraves and the singer from Tool, are likely already considering their escape plans as the country edges closer to an evangelical religious dictatorship. Trump’s presidency will, however, cement his alliance with Nigel Farage and his Clacton constituency, which may soon be transformed into a leisure-cum-stolen-document storage unit.

Of course, I’m kidding around. But the attempted assassination and its ripple effects are no laughing matter. Last Saturday, a gunman managed to shoot off part of Trump’s ear. With a presence of mind that Biden might have envied, Trump stumbled to his feet and urged peace and reconciliation by shouting: “Fight! Fight! Fight!” This riled up supporters who had stormed the Capitol three years ago, aiming to lynch Mike Pence.

What if it had been Trump himself who had been taken out, with only his ear fragment left behind? Could this small piece of Trump have been persuaded to run for the presidency? Could it have beaten Biden in an election? Almost certainly. And would an America governed by a mere fragment of Trump’s ear have been more stable than one governed by Trump or Biden? Regrettably, the answer is yes.

The American Christian right views Trump as a flawed vessel of God’s will, shaping America into their own vision of a theocracy. They believe divine intervention saved Trump from the bullet, sparing a volunteer firefighter instead. Blessed are the firefighters. But how much more useful could a simple, severed ear be to this morally ambiguous deity? Free from accusations of election interference, hush money payments, classified document theft, and sexual assault, Trump’s ear would be seen as pure and innocent.

If the ear had, like Trump, socialized with Jeffrey Epstein, it could hardly have acted inappropriately due to being, well, an ear. Should it lose public trust, it could be easily discarded by the Republicans without causing much turmoil. Ear today, gone tomorrow.

Imagining different scenarios around Trump’s shooting raises profound ethical questions. Philosophers often refer to this as the “killing baby Hitler” dilemma. Would it be ethical for someone to travel back and kill Hitler as a baby to avert WWII? Similarly, would it be ethical to travel back and ensure Trump’s ear alone governs America? Clearly, the answer is no.

Rather than gambling the future on Trump’s unpredictable ear, it would be prudent to prevent Trump’s rise earlier. Perhaps, in Home Alone 2, Macaulay Culkin could have shown Trump the same innocent friendship he showed Michael Jackson, on the condition that Trump abandon politics. But Macaulay Culkin didn’t do that, and now we all pay the price. Culkin has blood on his astonished infant face.

Source: The Observer