My Created World Was Crumbling Before My Eyes

In 2016, Lindsay Nicholson was driving home to Berkhamsted in Hertfordshire from her mother’s house in Essex. It was a Sunday night and her thoughts were all about the week ahead. Nicholson, editor of Good Housekeeping, Britain’s best-selling glossy magazine, had a diary full of engagements: lunches, interviews, and photoshoots. She loved her busy schedule as it was not only fun and interesting, but also a refuge from more difficult thoughts.

But then something unexpected happened. A lorry ahead of her suddenly crossed into her lane at a right angle, its container slaloming in a way that left an indelible mark on her mind. In that split second, all she could do was brake hard and aim for the central reservation, hoping desperately the drivers behind would avoid hitting her. Only later would she learn that a man had tried to end his life by running in front of the lorry. Remarkably, everyone involved in the accident, including the man, survived.

The crash exposed all the flaws. I kept trying to put everything back together but it all kept going wrong.

For Nicholson, life irrevocably changed after the crash. Like a stone dropped into a lake, it disturbed the surface and sent ripples outward, exposing long-repressed trauma and new challenges. By the following August, her life as she knew it had unraveled.

As a younger woman, Nicholson had faced significant losses. Her first husband, John, and her nine-year-old daughter, Ellie, both succumbed to the same blood cancer. She wrote a book, Living on the Seabed, about her grief and had often spoken about it publicly. She had also survived breast cancer. However, in the ten months following the crash, Nicholson lost her second marriage, her home, and her job. The fabric of her life came apart so completely that some days, its meaning seemed to entirely disappear.

Today, Nicholson still lives in Berkhamsted, in the house she initially lost and then won back. In her new memoir, Perfect Bound, this converted printworks with resin floors and canalside views is portrayed with suspicion. But being in her kitchen, surrounded by peaceful birdsong and the sound of a bicycle bell on the towpath, the house seems more impersonal than glamorous. It feels as if she’s just visiting.

“There were mixed emotions when I first came back,” Nicholson admits, holding a mug of tea. Although it was a horrible feeling, a shamanistic ritual conducted by a friend helped her cope. On her terrace, they threw her costume jewelry into the canal, symbolizing the past she was ready to leave behind, waiting for future generations to discover.

Perfect Bound is captivating, its unfolding disasters profoundly transfixing. Does she feel that if she hadn’t had that crash, her life would have been different? Or would something else have inevitably derailed her? She believes the crash revealed existing flaws in her life, making her realize she needed to slow down and reconsider her world, which was crumbling despite her best efforts.

Nicholson had always been a workaholic. After her first husband died, she became a single mother to two small daughters. Needing to work practically, she threw herself into her job. The loss of her daughter Ellie drove her further into her professional world as an escape from the unbearable thoughts.

After the crash, Nicholson’s husband, who had once lovingly supported her through breast cancer, failed to rush to her side. Her younger daughter, Hope, had to rescue her. Although in shock, Nicholson didn’t dwell on it. She returned to work quickly, but nightmares soon plagued her. Three months later, another car accident intensified her trauma. Her husband’s continued lack of response and the growing distance between them added to her mental stress. Eventually, she was diagnosed with PTSD, connected to both recent traumas and past losses.

Four months after the crash, increasingly preoccupied with his mobile phone, Nicholson accused her husband of an affair. His refusal to let her see his phone led to a confrontation that ended with him calling the police. She was held in a cell for 16 hours, marking a new low in her life. Released without charge, she couldn’t return home and stayed with her mother, ashamed and bewildered.

Her husband changed the locks of the house. The only way to get inside it again was to seek an occupation order.

Eventually, Nicholson rented a house while fighting for an occupation order to reclaim her home. Simultaneously, the National Magazine Company restructured, making her redundant. These cascading misfortunes led to deep depression and a search for new purpose. Therapeutic processes like EMDR helped her step by step. Volunteering with Riding for the Disabled and becoming a grandmother brought new contentment and purpose to her life. Although her PTSD remains, she is now open about her struggles.

Reflecting on her journey, Nicholson recognizes that her idea of perfect happiness has shifted dramatically. She now finds joy in simple moments with her granddaughter, rather than in high-powered professional engagements. Despite the unimaginable challenges, she feels a profound gratitude for having survived and gained a second chance at life.

Nicholson’s journey is captured in Perfect Bound, where she offers a message of resilience and encourages others to find strength in the face of adversity.

Source: The Guardian